I have a confession to make… I find blogging really difficult. I’m kind of a loner and I don’t really share the most real parts of me. I’m sure this sounds like a contradiction to you, given that I’ve written every aspect of my life into a story and published it… but I mean – on a daily basis, I tend to keep myself to myself. I don’t see many people and it feels as if I simply go through the motions with those around me much of the time.
At one time my life was filled with others who were in a similar place to me but since I awoke, they have all drifted away to their own respective corners of the planet…There is no one in my life who I can truly share myself with.
My best friend and the man I am still currently married to, has no spiritual inclination whatsoever and although he is happy to pretend-listen whenever I go off on one spiritually, he really has zero interest in it all. My family love ‘Gillian’ and I love them all enough to not worry about the fact that we don’t have anything in common spiritually.
In essence, I am alone in my play world.
I know it was never the universes plan that I should be…there was meant to be another one…but that is how it has worked out anyway…It has been many years now since there were ‘others’ in my real life and I admit I am growing bored.
It is not possible to truly share yourself with people who do not exist on a similar level to you. The only thing you can do is join them on theirs and watch in wonder as they have fun and start the process of growing. This is how I now occupy myself. I try to help those around me to get the best they can from their time here. I love those around me and I cherish the time I get to spend with them. I suppose in some ways it is like being a mother. I gain joy from watching those I care about experience life in a way which makes them smile or grow.
It feels as if my spiritual path has stopped. I know that this cannot be the case, but I can’t remember the last time I came across something new and scary, something which pushed me beyond my boundaries or made me feel as if I were flying. Life is a long sequence of things I have now mastered, situations I know how to manoeuvre through and challenges I have already met (David would say I am tickling the feet of fate or something here lol – but this is how I feel).
At least the suffering has ended. Suffering is not fun and thankfully, it has mostly gone from my life in this last couple of years. In that way, it feels as if things have moved. I spent so many years giving birth (as one of my friends once described the process) to who I am now. I don’t think I’m any different to who I was ten years ago but I think others I know would laugh at that comment and disagree emphatically with me.
I have been pulling away from certain online mediums recently and I think its because it feels the same but different. By this I mean it is lots of loud and certain voices, all clambering over each other to be heard… I have nothing in common with them either…not in that context. I don’t care enough to try and bulldoze my way in. I don’t care if I am heard. I guess we are all at different stages of our path. I have lived, breathed, eaten and slept God and the universe as my main focus for the last twenty-four years. I am not in the same place and its really hard to be on a level with them which I have not been on for a very long time. In this way, it feels as lonely as my real world does… that’s why I’ve been feeling a little sick whenever I am on there. Its just more assuming the level of others and being unable to be where I am. I have enough of it in my real world without having to do it in my online world too.
Right now, I am simply being alone and mainly I’m fine with that. I’m sure this state will not last forever. Nothing ever does. I just wanted to give a bit of an explanation as to why I’m remaining offline a lot more lately.
Hope you are all having a great day guys 😊