Happily Being…. Alone

I have a confession to make… I find blogging really difficult. I’m kind of a loner and I don’t really share the most real parts of me. I’m sure this sounds like a contradiction to you, given that I’ve written every aspect of my life into a story and published it… but I mean –  on a daily basis, I tend to keep myself to myself. I don’t see many people and it feels as if I simply go through the motions with those around me much of the time.

At one time my life was filled with others who were in a similar place to me but since I awoke, they have all drifted away to their own respective corners of the planet…There is no one in my life who I can truly share myself with.

My best friend and the man I am still currently married to, has no spiritual inclination whatsoever and although he is happy to pretend-listen whenever I go off on one spiritually, he really has zero interest in it all.  My family love ‘Gillian’ and I love them all enough to not worry about the fact that we don’t have anything in common spiritually.

In essence, I am alone in my play world.

I know it was never the universes plan that I should be…there was meant to be another one…but that is how it has worked out anyway…It has been many years now since there were ‘others’ in my real life and I admit I am growing bored.

It is not possible to truly share yourself with people who do not exist on a similar level to you. The only thing you can do is join them on theirs and watch in wonder as they have fun and start the process of growing. This is how I now occupy myself. I try to help those around me to get the best they can from their time here. I love those around me and I cherish the time I get to spend with them. I suppose in some ways it is like being a mother. I gain joy from watching those I care about experience life in a way which makes them smile or grow.

It feels as if my spiritual path has stopped. I know that this cannot be the case, but I can’t remember the last time I came across something new and scary, something which pushed me beyond my boundaries or made me feel as if I were flying. Life is a long sequence of things I have now mastered, situations I know how to manoeuvre through and challenges I have already met (David would say I am tickling the feet of fate or something here lol – but this is how I feel).

At least the suffering has ended. Suffering is not fun and thankfully, it has mostly gone from my life in this last couple of years. In that way, it feels as if things have moved. I spent so many years giving birth (as one of my friends once described the process) to who I am now. I don’t think I’m any different to who I was ten years ago but I think others I know would laugh at that comment and disagree emphatically with me.

I have been pulling away from certain online mediums recently and I think its because it feels the same but different. By this I mean it is lots of loud and certain voices, all clambering over each other to be heard… I have nothing in common with them either…not in that context. I don’t care enough to try and bulldoze my way in. I don’t care if I am heard. I guess we are all at different stages of our path. I have lived, breathed, eaten and slept God and the universe as my main focus for the last twenty-four years. I am not in the same place and its really hard to be on a level with them which I have not been on for a very long time. In this way, it feels as lonely as my real world does… that’s why I’ve been feeling a little sick whenever I am on there. Its just more assuming the level of others and being unable to be where I am. I have enough of it in my real world without having to do it in my online world too.

Right now, I am simply being alone and mainly I’m fine with that. I’m sure this state will not last forever. Nothing ever does. I just wanted to give a bit of an explanation as to why I’m remaining offline a lot more lately.

Hope you are all having a great day guys 😊


Gillian x


Going Beyond Race, Gender & Sexual Equality

I had no intention of blogging again today but something worth noting sprang to mind as I was looking through the news today.

I generally don’t get involved in opinions of social matters. To be frank, I don’t actually care, not enough to get down in the dirt and raise my voice enough to be heard above the din that is social media and the endless sea of ego’s contained therein. I would like to, but it would be disingenuous. My views are just nuanced, which is why I don’t get involved. I get a little annoyed but only because I am a little beyond the current level of argument out there.

For example, the race issue. I don’t get involved one way or another and it isn’t because I don’t believe in race equality, it is for exactly that reason that I don’t get involved. I know you are probably shaking your head right now and saying ‘eh?’ so let me try to explain this a bit better.

I think that we are currently always favoring one race over another in our efforts to favor another race more than we presently do. By trying to be fairer to people who are black, or who are disabled or who are women, we discriminate against everyone who does not fall into those categories. It is a little like a pendulum, always swinging to one extreme or another when where it really needs to be is in the center. It simply never gets there.

While I agree there are large discrepancies in the way in which certain groups of people are currently treated by society, I still feel that for me, I simply see people as people. I don’t see white, black, Asian, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Men, Women, old, young….

I just see people.

I don’t like political correctness and in my own view of the world, this process has gone a little crazy right now. We have lost our common sense to a large extent.

I yearn for a world where the issues of Black, Gender, Race, belief etc, are never ever mentioned… a world where we have moved into simply seeing ourselves as a single race, no matter which sex, race or gender could be used to define us.

What we are should not be important when it comes to describing ourselves. It should not count in terms of other people’s view of us relating to work or treatment generally.

All that matters in the grand scheme of things, is what we do. That should be the only estimation of our character and the only thing which truly effects others treatment of us in our daily lives.

I know many will be thinking…if only we lived in a perfect world we could hope for this but for now there is still much work to do. I would agree with that sentiment; however, I think we all have our own causes to peruse and there are so many in this world. I have chosen to work to prepare the world for what will come next after this lifetime as that is where my heart and my passion lies. We all need to follow our path and go where we are called. This is mine.

Have a good one guys 😊


Me x

How To Avoid The True Damage Of Attachments

I’ve been thinking deeply about attachment today.  It occurred to me that attachments are not simply things which we hold on to, in terms of physical possessions. That’s just the stuff which is easy to let go of. Once you have mastered the physical attachments…then the real work begins.

We have many different kinds of attachments, all of which drag our minds out of the present moment and enslave us to our thoughts, pulling us out of present time over and over again. We are attached to issues, worries and past hurts; upsets which our minds cling onto like prized possessions. To be angry about something which happened a long time ago and to regurgitate it over and over, every time the subject comes up is another harmful form of attachment. It keeps the mind held on the issue and each time it is gazed upon, it releases the same angry emotions.

After a fashion the mind is a bit like a computer which starts to slow down because so many of these memory files are present within our thoughts. They act in the same way as a bad piece of programming might in a computer, causing our brains to crash or ‘hang’ after a while. They are like the gunk in your circuitry.

I’ve always had a theory that I had a limited supply of cache memory (short term memory). I have the ability to study large amounts of data which I am able to dump once its usefulness has been completed.  In terms of all these issues which are not released, the amount of cache memory available to you is reduced over time until eventually the short term memory is shot to bits and practically none existent. We must release our issues before they destroy our minds.

Think of it like this… Each memory you form in present time is usually processed each night while you are asleep and filed away in the brains long term memory banks. Whenever you fail to finish processing a file and don’t release it due to anger or unfinished issues relating to it, the brain is not able to move it from the short term memory cache into the long term memory bank. This means that over time, more and more files are stored more or less permanently in the short term memory as you have not finished dealing with those files.

Over time, more and more files are stored without order or reason in the short term memory cache until one day the brain simply runs out. Like a computer, its needs defragging. Each file needs to be looked at, dealt with  and released, ready for the mind to file it away permanently while you sleep and this is when your own will, an honest desire to rid yourself of your attachments and a shit load of meditation can truly help you.

If you are holding onto bad feeling associated with a past experience, review it, consider it, forgive it and learn what you need to from it; understand that it can’t be changed at this stage. Let it go and forget it or live with the consequences. Each of these memories will pull your attention back time and time again as the mind tries to remind you that they need to be tidied away and in so doing, you are pulled out of present time; It is ever the good housewife lol. In time, this process causes serious mental problems.

It is not for the party you hold anger / resentment / jealousy/ regret / towards that you forgive or let go, but for yourself. It will cause you so much more damage than them in the long term.

There are other types of attachments too. There is the attachment to life habits; the way we live. We all form these as we get older, for example we start to eat the same foods each day, convinced we don’t like the foods we decided to dislike earlier in our lives when in reality our taste buds change constantly as we grow older. We hold ourselves in chains by feeling the need to live our lives in exactly the same way each day… eating the same meals, dressing in the same kinds of clothing, doing the same kinds of pastimes, the same kinds of exercise, visiting the same places for walks (I’m still guilty of that one lol).

We live the same life each day, over and over, without considering doing things differently each day and evaluating everything as we go… Have you ever noticed that on holiday you are happier and live completely differently to how you would at home? You break all your patterns, eat different kinds of foods, appreciate the outdoors when you may normally feel opposed to eating even in the garden at breakfast time… we enjoy different places to that which we would normally… these are all just daft examples.

Life should be constantly new in each moment and not decided by what has gone previously. You owe it to yourself to learn how to truly be in the moment. Each day you awake, you are a new you… each day you should wake up and ask yourself – ‘Who am I today?’

This is what it means to really be alive.

Hope you are all enjoying the sunshine right now.

Speak to you all soon,

ME xxx

Do Ghosts Truly Exist…

I had an interesting conversation yesterday regarding belief in ghosts. I decided it may be helpful to write something on this subject today to clarify what I think regarding this subject.

To put it simply I don’t believe in ghosts at all. The idea that we can simply die and roam the earth afterwards is a silly one and belittles the idea of a conscious universe, in my opinion.

I know for a fact (from my own vantage point) that we are fully escorted to, from and during our incarnations on this planet. From the moment you register your death within your own awareness, the universe is right there with you shuffling you along your journey back up the chute to our own realm. I use this term, as the place we are truly alive is not of this universe, it is beyond it.

We exist in a separate time to this material universe. The only way we can actually exist here is to incarnate and we must be aided to achieve that experience by the universe itself. For the sake of this illustration, let’s say God – as in the whole conscious universe – is the Time master. He can rewind it, run it forward, and reanimate it for us. It is like a video tape to HIM. We exist outside of it and so cannot experience it except while incarnate; otherwise it is more like looking at a book rather than a video tape. In essence, it is a static to us.

We are effectively placed into bodies and made to see them as ourselves while our true awareness is hidden so that we can see through the eyes of the bodies we reside within. Once we are no longer in those bodies, we are no longer in the same place within the current time of the planet / reality. The only spirit or being who is capable of residing / moving objects / playing with us on any ghostly level – is the conscious universe itself. There are no other spirits here but that ONE.

Generally speaking you are alone here with only the universe as your partner. Everything you perceive and witness of a spiritual nature is just the universe helping you, nudging you in the right direction. If you are experiencing spiritual manifestation it is basically the universe telling you it’s time to start becoming aware of reality beyond this existence. Sometimes it is preparation for the end of life (which is why people close to death are suddenly able to see long-lost loved ones – they are not going mad, but simply becoming ready to leave). Sometimes it is as a form of condolence and comfort after we lose those who are close to us and feel unable to get by without some sign of their presence nearby. Sometimes it is because we are being asked to walk a spiritual path and continue our eternal development.

Our world is simply a doll house. Our bodies are the dolls and we are experiencing the life of the dolls while the universe plays Cindy and Barbie lol.

When we have had enough of living in this material universe we can move out of this doll house and into another which is a little bit more spiritual in nature and a little less base. There are many other doll houses, some much nicer than this one where the dolls are progressively more aware of who they truly are while incarnate… until eventually no more incarnations are required.

From the moment we die, we generally detach from our dolls and no longer see them as ourselves. We remember that this place is simply the doll house and the life we have just left was no more ‘us’ than the previous one or the next one (if there is another to come). We understand that those we love are always going to be OK as they are in the care of the universe in the same way that we ourselves are. In this way we are able to let go and move onto our next life. Even when we struggle to do this, it is not something we can prevent since a new ME is created with each life we incarnate into. We don’t exactly forget the pain right away but it fades into the background until the previous life is eventually submerged under the current happy existence that is the new child hood.

Anyway, I’ve digressed as I normally do lol. I think that is enough for today. I will write again soon.

Love to you all,

Gillian x

Twin Flame Awareness In Childhood

I grew up knowing I was different to other people. I couldn’t understand how, but the other kids always knew it too. At school they always sensed somehow that I ‘cared’ and for some reason that was always perceived as a weakness, unless they needed something, in which case it would be this sucker they would hit on.

My family had always thought me a little odd. I cried for no reason sometimes… I was 12 or 13 and sat in our sitting room one day when I was overcome by the saddest, most terrible feeling I had ever had. I sat, totally confused and overcome with grief and I simply sobbed. My mother came into the room in the middle of this and began demanding to know why I was crying. I quite honestly told her than I had no idea what was wrong with me, but I felt so sad I couldn’t describe it. She gave up asking me half way through and told me she would give me something to cry for if I didn’t stop. It was only some time later on that I would know what it was all about. My previous incarnation was in the middle of being murdered that day, since my two lives ran parallel.

For my entire childhood, I always knew something was missing from my life. There was this huge gaping hole inside of me that I didn’t understand. I used to feel sad all of the time and had no idea why or what I needed to make the pain go away. I used to stare out of windows, searching and yet not know what I was searching for.

I began to write songs at a younger age than most and they would always have haunting, sadness entwined within them.  One of the very first songs I ever wrote at about 14 years old came to me one day as I sat in the music room on break, alone and at the piano. My songs always came complete with music and lyrics at the same time… this is a portion of the lyics so you can see what I mean…


Where are you now? Are you near?

You could be close to me, I would not know.

When will you walk, Into my life,

And tell me how much you need me so…


So hold me tight, just don’t let go.

I need to know, you love me so.

I need to see, just who you’ll be, when you appear and hold me near.

Just don’t let go.


I wrote it to the one I knew was missing from my life. I always knew he was there and I could feel him. Childhood was desolate and lonely the whole time.  I think in hindsight, I have written a musical… and have been writing the songs that would go alongside my story one day, as I was growing up lol.

Perhaps we will see ‘Forever Aflame’ – the musical sometime soon lol. Who knows?

I’ve been offered work as a ghost writer recently, and I’m still working on book two as well as working in another separate part time position in property right now. I should have a final edit of my audio book today too so hopefully that will be uploaded later on today 🙂

Life really doesn’t stop for me at the moment… that being said, I will be disappearing all of next week as I’m away to Scarborough for a long overdue holiday (my last one until September sadly). I won’t have internet access, so no blog posts sadly, but I think I’m due a break so you guys will have to get along without me lol.

Those of you with audible accounts can download my audio book from tomorrow (ish) and let me know what you think of my narration lol.

This is going to be my last post for the week as I have another article to write this weekend before I leave too.

Hope you all have a brilliant bank holiday. See you when I get back.

Love to you all,

Gillian xxx




Testing My Sanity – Should I Fear To Speak Out?

From the time that my memories began to reemerge in my late twenties, I tried in vain to tell my family about them and about what I now knew as a result of waking up. They never believed me (and still don’t). They were quite convinced that should anyone hear me, they would think I was mad. I would be locked up…

I always was a little too bold for my own good and probably one day I will fall on my arse as a result. I was much worse when I was younger especially once I woke up and remembered my true self… it was kind of like having a super power. I knew more and had more confidence in what I knew than pretty much anyone who crossed my path.  There is a huge chasm between those who know what they know and those who have studied the experiences of others or read everything they know in books.  I was always open-minded as I knew for a fact that there were many people here who were in a place way beyond where I was, but in terms of the majority of people, I was in a place all of my own lol.

I decided to test out my families theories that I would be locked up if I were ever to tell my stories to the psychiatric health care professional’s (lol). I also wanted to know how far I could go… I was also a bit bored and was stuck in a place of pain while I waited for my twin at that time, so I thought it would occupy me for a while.

At that time I was in genuine hell. To say I was depressed is an understatement of the highest order. I was a pure mess and living life was very difficult at the best of times. So, I claimed sickness benefit… This lead to absolutely tons of appointments with various psychiatrists, counsellors, doctors and panels of doctors who worked for the sickness benefit department.

I began talking to my first counsellor in a small mental health clinic and I told him everything. He was really confused and kept asking question after question for the whole eight week period before he asked me to come in the meet with the head of psychiatry in our area as he had asked for a meeting with the department heads to discuss my case and the head of the whole region had taken an interest and decided he wanted to meet me personally instead.

This guy was brilliant. We got on like a house on fire and I told him my entire story. He came up with another diagnosis but ultimately said the same thing; that he felt I simply had strange beliefs and they were nothing to do with any form of mental illness. He proposed the thought that my diagnosis should be more of a reflection on my fluctuating energy levels rather than on my thoughts as they were radical yes, but in no way insane.

On numerous occasions I was sent before panels of people for sickness benefit and happily told them all the same things I tell all of you, with no holds barred… They would happily renew my sickness benefit and kick me out as quickly as possible as I messed up their heads way too much lol.

The reason I am speaking of all of this today, is to explain why I am quite so brazen with regards to everything I tell you all on here. I have been telling any medical professional, who would listen, for quite some time now, just to see how this would all be received. I wanted to know if I would be in any danger later on, should I begin to speak about all of this.

In truth, what I found out is that I have greater confidence in the things I know, than they do in the things they are taught about science.  I freak them out and mess up their heads in a really big way, so they don’t like to play with me for too long lol.

I am not afraid of that scenario any longer.

I met only one person on my travels that had me sussed. I told her everything and spent several sessions with her before she declared me of sane mind. She told me that she felt every other doctor that I’d seen had gotten it all wrong. There was nothing wrong with me other than that I was heartbroken and that was not a mental problem. I was impressed as she was only a counsellor lol.

Sometimes…facing our fears and having faith and confidence in ourselves and our own truth, is the only way to move forward without the fear of removing the mask. It can be debilitating otherwise.

Everything in this reality is created by BELIEF.

If you believe in yourself and you know that you are powerful and perfect, then why should everyone else not see you as you do? If you are uncertain and you fear, this world will pick up on your fear and make your fears manifest. You must trust the universe and trust your path. Everything is going to play out exactly as it is meant to, so what do you have to worry about?

Love, play, have fun and remember, you are safe and you are loved. You are not alone.

Catch you all soon,


Gillian xxx

Multiple Personality Minds In A Twin Flame Relationship

Today I want to tackle a really difficult subject, but I have a feeling that it’s a subject many of us have already had to deal with… Multiple personality disorder…Or as I call it a fragmented self.

Many of us walk around thinking there is something wrong with us or our significant others because they they/we have more than one personality / self on the inside. This whole state of mind is something which I believe to be closely associated with our spiritual development and progression.

Once we begin to develop on a spiritual level, we become aware of our various parts, or facets. In society, this state of being is seen as being something which needs to be treated, an aberration in terms of human consciousness when the truth is actually the other way around. Having awareness of your many facets of self simply means you are closer to the end of your journey than most others.

When I was a child, I was put to sleep, just as all of you were. I had been on a very long spiritual trip for many months which had just ended, though my body remained on the bed for only moments while I did so. I think it may well have been because of this, that throughout what took place afterwards, I was still semi-conscious and therefore able to remember it. I am speaking of the process by which we are placed into a state of sleep within these bodies.

I can see my higher aspect (who is actually male – strange I know but he always has been male though mainly I incarnate into female form).

He is creating a circle of mirrored reflections around himself and shattering his idea of his own being by placing the various aspects within the mirrors… then he begins to spin as he continues to stare at them all, until he actually forgets his whole self, but rather sees all of the shattered fragments as individual aspects in their own right.

I know this all sounds a little out there (when am I ever not lol)… but this is what I remember him doing. In doing so, after a fashion, the idea of self is fragmented into various facets, all of which are a different aspect of the whole. The following morning I awoke without my spiritual awareness or memories and I never saw or remembered him again from that night, until I was older and on my spiritual path.

It can be really hard to love someone who is fragmented. Take me for instance, I’m impossible and I know it lol…First and foremost, there is Gillian… and she is pretty well rounded, mature, loving and motherly. I have a little girl self and she is always really easily hurt, cries at movies, wants to simply play and have fun endlessly, is incessantly loving and loves to over indulge. I have the other part I call Father who basically is the one my little girl cries to most of the time. He is the teacher, the one who is God in here. I have another female aspect I call Lucy who is pretty easily pissed off and can be downright evil to those who cross her, she really has quite a temper when driving lol. There is also my husband… he never actually occupies my body as my own facets to, but he is definitely an influential factor… He too has many aspects and I can perceive all of them.

On top of his main character who, like Gillian seems to have a feeling of responsibility to our world, he is fatherly, mature and wise (ish). He has a child self as I do. He also has a self whom he perceives to be bad and unfeeling. He is also pretty pissed off much of the time and I think this is his version of Lucy. He is kind of detached and does what he feels is best regardless of what his child self wishes or wants.  He is intense and seriously confident… I normally only see him when my twin is pissed off and occasionally he takes great pleasure in telling me how much he isn’t into me lol. I just laugh at him now and generally try to cheer him up instead of reacting. Like me he has a facet he calls the old man, though I’m pretty sure he means the one I call Father since I’ve never perceived anyone else in here.

People like us can change characters like the wind…and apart from being a part of the natural process of awakening, it is also a means of survival as well as it provides us with a greater ability to perform our roles here. The ability to adapt to others and change according to who is in front of you, is a huge boon in this task.

The problem arises for the people around us as they are used to seeing others as having a singular identity and see our existence as being wrong. Generally, they think it should be drugged into oblivion. I have existed happily and developed to a far greater extent over the last 22 years as a result of this awareness. I know how damaging the drugs they give people like me can be as I’ve seen plenty of evidence to suggest that it is purely harmful and should be avoided other than in situations where self harm or harm to others, is an issue.

Since I discovered this whole concept of the Twin recently it has sat so nicely alongside my own observations of all of this. I’m pretty sure that both of us are part of the same multifaceted or fragmented being who is simply occupying two bodies, which again, fits so perfectly with the whole Twin Flame theory.

The last time I saw my twin he was being medicated for this so-called disorder and like me, he had told the truth, that he was able to perceive voices. Unlike me he was not protected and was shoved on drugs of the worst sort, which prevented him from being able to perceive all of his aspects at once. Instead he shifts from one to the other without any awareness that he has done so. His aspects do not retain their memory from one aspect to the other. This is all the fault of the drugs and until he is removed from them and allowed to find himself, this will remain the case.

In this way, he has had his true spiritual development stunted for this entire time since we met. Instead of embracing what we have, he was too afraid to confront it, as he has been told for his entire life that there was something wrong with him. This was a big part of the reason why he stays away from me as every time we come into contact with each other we begin the process of awakening. We naturally heighten each other’s energy and accelerate the process. It is scary if you don’t know what is going on.

Last time that I saw him he was in a long term relationship with a woman who wished nothing more than to drug him into a singular slumbering body who would be normal, like everyone else was.

This is the problem we have in society.

We are not educated enough to understand that in order to reawaken to who we truly are, we must first go through a process whereby we begin to see all of our various facets…once we are able to see and be conscious of them all, be all of them at will, love all of ourselves we can eventually reach a place which will allow us to become ONE again… and re-emerge from our sleeping state.

I guess as twin flames, you need to be prepared for the fact that there will be more than one aspect in your head if you are able to perceive your twin internally, so what’s a few more aspects going to harm lol.

It’s time we begin to realise that we are so completely unaware of our true conscious make up. Who is to say what is normal since really science has barely scratched the surface of this stuff.

Just keep your minds open and love whoever you are – love whoever they are. Who wants normal anyway – right? Normal is boring lol.

Have a great day people,