I’ve had a reoccurring conversation with a friend of mine for a number of years that I thought I’d share with you all today. I have to admit that my position has changed since we began discussing this one.
If you believe, as I did, in free will and hate the idea of cyclical time or the self-perpetuating time loop as I usually refer to it then you still believe it is possible to win in this world; to have all of your dreams come true and die at the end, feeling you have lived an amazing life.
I never stop trying to win this game. To me, I can always be the star of my own show and when I have down days I just fight harder, determined to win before I leave…
Then there is the other scenario which states that time is a circle which ever repeats in exactly the same way which equates to free will being somewhat of a myth or an illusion. In this scenario, your life is on a path all of its own and ever will be. There is no fixing it, changing it… if you win in your own eyes, it is simply due to destiny. If you lose then that too is down to destiny.
My friend was always certain that life repeated in the same way each time. In my own case I have my memories to refer to… before this life began I was told by my guardian…
“You will remember every cycle except the one you are incarnated into…”
To me this implies that the universe is capable of choosing a cycle which is more subtly apt for whatever place in our path we are…unless of course he is right and all of our lives are static, in which case we would always be in the same place each time and therefore our path would always be perfect for us at every step of the way…(head do isn’t it lol).
If I was to try and describe what I remember in terms of Gods own path… he has basically used every life as a puzzle and has gone round and round and round each life, infinitely. Each time he has tweaked the lives until they all led to the destination he wished them all to go.
In terms of my own life… he wanted Gillian to be a doorway… a life which would awaken and find its way back to reality while incarnate. I guess she’s a bit like the final level of a video game… If and when a separate perceiving part of himself wishes to awaken (as I did after my last lifetime), they are incarnated as Gillian or another similar life that achieves the same thing.
I can remember many arguments between my lower self and my higher self where I am being told,
“I want to keep you with me, but if you don’t wake up this time you will die and I will never be you again.” At the time I always thought I was telling myself that I was being killed off, but that was never what he meant. He was saying that only one version of my existence would be the permanent one since to change any decision or experience would create an entirely different Gillian… I’m probably losing all of you now I’m sure lol.
It occurred to me today that the concept of winning or losing is rather mute now. How I judge myself to have won or lost is no longer the true yardstick.
In reality, winning is now a concept I must forget. In order to truly win, all I have to do is stop struggling and live my life as I live it, trusting fate. I can try my best but ultimately my own ideas of winning and losing are an inaccurate way of perceiving my life.
I am here to play a part and that part may not involve wealth, love or a family. It may not involve any of the things I wish for myself. It may involve pain, struggle, failure and death (well, yes obviously, at some point I hear you say lol).
Winning is actually a given now. I will win no matter what I do or don’t do. There’s no more need to worry about anything but the present moment as only that can be real for me now. Yesterday is as much an illusion as tomorrow was. Neither of them are in my hands…all I can do is enjoy the ride since the horse is not mine lol… It has its own destination and it is not going where I wish it to go no matter what…perhaps failure is the destination and that will be the purpose of this life?
Feel free to comment if you have even the slightest notion of anything I’ve just said lol.
Hope you’re all having a good week… Mine just got better…finally able to let the cat out. I’m sadly still waiting on Amazon’s reply; no word yet…
Catch you all soon,